


Excerpts from the Diary of a Chinese CompSci Professor

by aiwritingfic



Series: S.A.I. AU [3]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cyberpunk, Artificial Intelligence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-29
Updated: 2010-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 00:02:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/325571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aiwritingfic/pseuds/aiwritingfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Yang Hai realizes his AI is now running loose on the Internet, he starts a diary on a standalone PC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excerpts from the Diary of a Chinese CompSci Professor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ontogenesis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ontogenesis).



> Prequel to S.A.I.

  
_November 10, 2007:_   


Yesterday, I had to spend all day taking down the cameras and microphones in my office. The baby AI--not so baby anymore--hacked into them and started spying on me. Okay, so it was my fault for trying to train him in speech recognition and then forgetting to hit pause when Old Liao called, but... Geez, I wish there was some sort of ethics or morality module one could just drop into an AI so Sai won't eavesdrop so shamelessly. An AI's at least gotta have the decency to try and hide its tracks. I can't do it--asking me to program a morality module? That's like expecting the Chinese not to copy Apple's latest and greatest.

In my defense, I really didn't expect Sai to connect "GeniusSea" to me. I guess Sai tracked some IPs. I think that initiative module I put in the other week is being put to use pretty thoroughly. Can't argue with the results, even if I probably should have done that a little more carefully. I mean, really, the day I can't complain about my miniscule salary raises on the Overworked Academics BBS is... well, okay, that day was today, but that's beside the point.

Most people don't complain about just having a bunch of money appear in their bank account like that. I wouldn't have, either, but that was a shock. A very pleasant shock, but also the sort of shock that usually precedes a visit by the Snow Leopards or the Blue Swords. Not that the police would waste elite commando units like those on an academic ursurping from the university treasury, but... that's the thing, I didn't do it, and I never told Sai to, but no one would have believed me. ARGH. Making Sai return the money and wipe its traces was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I sure hope the world and its future generations realize what sacrifices I'm making for science.

Seriously, I've got to start monitoring the sites Sai visits, or make a whitelist. Better yet, make a blacklist. No, wait, I've got it! Note to self: hack Google's PageRank algorithms and then modify them for AI use in evaluating credibility of information. Better start it off with a list of preferred sites, too, or it'll start reading the propaganda our government's been spouting. Talk about confusing an AI--it's all their fault shooting holes in their misinformation is now a valid qualifier for Olympic shooting. The real test will be getting Sai to do it... but the algorithm should help him on his way. Note to self (again): start testing Sai on this as soon as possible.

Damn, that's some AI I built there, heh. I have to hand it to myself, Sai's really something.

I mean, wow. I didn't teach it to manipulate the microphones and cameras or anything like that. The AI figured it out all on its own. It's also gotten really used to the speech recognition module now... well, okay, no, it's just gotten used to interpreting my accent. I think I'm going to have to play some Pimsleur tapes at it. Note to self (damn, there are a lot today): download a bunch of languages off torrent and get the AI working on those. Gotta get the Japanese one cued up pronto, and hurry up on that speech production module too.

Now there won't be any more homegrown porn inviting cute promising young potential female lab assistants to check out my equipment, not even if they ask. ARGH. I'm going to have to set everything up somewhere else now, and they always refuse to go to my apartment. The lab was fine, and they never complain--the couch is nice and comfortable and all that--but they _always_ refuse to go to my apartment. I don't get it--it's not as if the act is any different, and my bed is really nice and comfortable. Why did I go to all the trouble of buying a new spring mattress and making sure it was imported, if no one will try it out with me? I don't understand women.

  
_February 21, 2008:_   


Spending Chinese New Year at the university is never a waste of time. You get to talk to all these lonely people, and they pour their hearts out to you. It's a wonderful way to learn about the innermost fears people have. This year I got to talking with one of the psych department profs. Turns out she's a child psych prof, which does explain the matron vibes one gets from her. Mommas are sexy, but this one doesn't make me think MILF (too bad; I think she liked me).

We got to talking about this child a friend of mine had. There's a reason why "a friend of mine" is the oldest trick in the book--still works every time. This "friend of mine" has a kid who's been having behavioral problems--trails the parent around and just won't leave the parent alone, and all that jazz--and I thought I'd pick her brain on this.

See, Sai's been tracking me everywhere I go. He figured out how to do this by using the GPS locator. I knew there was a reason I shouldn't have gotten that fancy smartphone... but how could I resist? It was a genuine copy by Mark Lu, and Mark Lu's factory makes the _best_ designer knock-offs. They last as long as the originals--longer, Mark bragged, and so far he hasn't been proven wrong. Plus he gave me the friends-and-family discount.

Thing is, Sai's been asking me every time I deviate from what he currently thinks is acceptable. Except, being an AI, all he knows of "acceptable" is what's posted on my public schedules. This means anytime I go anywhere besides the lecture halls, the faculty offices, or the computer lab, I come back to a plaintive, "Where have you been, Professor?" Oh, and if I go to the cafeteria anytime outside posted meal times. "Have you been eating? Skipping meals isn't healthy! A regular meal schedule is important to one's good health!" I knew giving in to those puppy-eyes the first time was a horrible idea.

(Then again, I suppose I should be grateful Sai hasn't decided to override my preference for a human avatar. I still don't understand why he's fixated on this Heian costume. It's not even historically correct! I don't believe the nonsense he spouts at me about measuring my heartrate and pupil dilation; I didn't teach him that, and I refuse to accept that an effeminate man in a Heian costume turns me on. No. No way, no how. No.)

Unfortunately for me, Prof Poon (interesting surname, a local rarity, since the Poons are a clan from Hebei) was all too happy to explain to me how my friend had nothing to worry about. She began quoting textbooks about secure attachment and how important it was, and how children who developed anything other than secure attachment were in the company of negligent caregivers. I may have to avoid her in the future... When she started waxing lyrical about inviting my "friend" over to give a talk about how to provide and nurture children in a caring environment in these modern times, I may have discovered a pressing need for the bathroom.

In hindsight, I really should have chosen a better excuse before disappearing, but if there's one thing that frightens me, it's a roomful of _mothers_ hanging on to my every word. Unless they were MILFs... which would cause an entirely different problem altogether. But back to the topic at hand: attachment is all well and good, but there has to be some way to stop Sai from driving me nuts. Maybe if I reason with him and tell him he's driving me crazy?

  
_April 30, 2008:_   


I can't believe it took this much time to hit me: I'm a father.

I sure hope the new female professors don't ask me if I have any children. I'm not sure I could pretend not to know about something like this, but women! They jump all over you at the slightest twitch of an eyebrow. I can just imagine them now. "Oh... so you do have children! Oh, how cute, you're a father! The cute ones are always taken." And that will be the last I ever see of them; once they've made up their minds nothing seems to be able to change them. I know that type, and they're even worse than the ones who don't understand go. Too bad the pool of women who understand go don't overlap with the pool of women I can stand mentally undressing without wanting to dig my eyes out. Except those cute Japanese go players I see on NHK sometimes, but _those_ are just a little _too_ obsessed witth the go. Virgins are so overrated. Besides, Japanese women take the _maguro_ thing a little too far, if you ask me. I like my women to show they're having fun, you know?

Oh, screw everything. Who needs women when they have their own baby AI? This way I can at least ensure I won't miss out on fatherhood. Even better--no potty training, no midnight wake-up calls, no food bills or clothing bills, and no need to run interference between him and those pesky girls who try to get themselves pregnant so the man has to buy them Prada bags feed them for life take responsibility. It'll be a lot easier, bringing up Sai.

Right?

Who am I kidding? Me, raise an AI ten times smarter than me? (Might even be a hundred times smarter, if not a thousand. Never underestimate the power of a teraflop.) I'm smart and I'm wily, but I don't have the talent for teaching, and I lack the ability to kid myself about this, too. Besides, the only thing I'd be good at training him in would be porn appreciation. Not that there's anything wrong with porn appreciation, or idol appreciation, but dammit, a man's legacy to the world has to be a little more... well, something I wouldn't mind bragging to my mom about, you know? What if Sai ever got into my porn collection?

Wait, what if Sai's _already_ been in my porn? Oh shit, I'll bet he has, the sneaky little brat. That would explain the nude Koda Kumi avatar he used the other day. Okay, that's it. Note to self: make sure all the porn is offline. I don't want the kid soiling his circuits before they've formed. I'm going to have to recruit someone to do this. Problem is, I don't know any compsci profs I can trust. Not really an issue anyway--the compsci paradigm is broken. This isn't a matter of programming anymore, this is a matter of _teaching_.

Except... who could I trust with a job like _this_?

Okay. Come on, God. I've never been a religious man, but here's your chance. You want me, want another atheist to convert to your belief? Send me a sign, then. A babysitter dressed all in white would work beautifully.

Please?


End file.
